One of the biggest anguishes in this life, is the failure, disappointment and reason’s that encompass a divorce.
Divorce usually encompasses two things. Either infidelity or abuse. Abuse is the easy one, it’s devastating and is easy to say, you must get out. It’s quick tempered, it’s emotional and physical.
A moment of silence... please.
Now infidelity at first sight doesn’t necessarily hold this view, and appears to be recoverable. It can be fixed, if it is simple slip-up in judgment, right?
We want to believe sometimes that it’s a simple mistake. But, do you think it’s really just a slip-up?
If you look at the infidelity it’s not just a slip-up. And it never “just happens”, if it does then they had no regard for the marriage, and have no qualms with NOT living a monogamous relationship. It means that it didn’t even cross their mind as a mistake, or if it did, they decided in a really short manner that it was worth it to satisfy their selfish desires. Which still means that they had no interest in your well-being and the marriage. In other words, they were not in love with you when they did this.
But this one can change. They can come back into love once they recognize how it affected you. But, do you want to be part of the healing process, and have to deal with the likelihood that they may fallback into their ways? Because as some people have shown. They are serial-cheaters, which means, they were never in love with the one they told world, that they were in love with. [ *cough*Tiger*cough* ]
Now the other type of infidelity is the long drawn out well thought out affair. [ The Divorce Maker ]
This has to be the hardest. It is the one, where it isn’t just about sex. It’s about a changing mind. They are no longer in love with you, and has litterly rewired themselves to fall in love with someone else.
This… has to be painful. [ Gut kicked, with a hint of nauseousness? ]
If the person get’s caught, most likely they would not of changed on their own and is only reflecting on this decision, because they have no other choice. You have brought it to their attention. They have been caught in all their lies and deceits.
Now, it is possible that this can be fixed, but again it will be painful. [ Will someone please stop punching me in the gut? ]
The person in the affair, will now have to fall out of love, and then in a really short time begin to work on their love with you.
When was the last time you broke up with someone, to only be a mess of heartache and pain [ Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before they breakup ], and have the yearning that you still want to be with them?
Those who have lost this, know how much it's worth.
Now, attach this to the affair, while watching from the sidelines.
After all has come out, in the beginning, your not the one who will need to deal with this, it’s between him and the other woman. You can coach him, kick him, yell at him and convince him that the game is supposed to be with you… But really, your watching, as it’s up to him to decide if he wants to continue to play with you.
You are on the receiving end of this new broken heart, and he isn’t broken over you. He is broken over the other lost love. Which means, that he may not come back. His desire to be with this other person, will most likely bring about a divorce, with you holding the emotional bag of craptasticulocity. [ I invent words ]*
The question comes, do they want to be re-wired? Do you want to be involved in this? Do you have the strength, to deal with them not loving you right at that moment, in hopes that they come around and love you later?
In addition to the pains of a broken heart, cheating does one thing to you that is just as powerful as any abuse out there. They have withheld love from you. You are the shell of the person you once where, You are drained of your strength and your exhausted from the anger due to starving you from the need to be loved. And they did it quietly and “innocently” without any true recognition that you were crushed until it’s too late.
Withholding love is the far right, while abuse is on the far left. This is terrible, as both are extremes, which leads to deeply saddened and broken marriages.
Either way, the choice to try go along with the correction is up to you [ If they decide to fix it... BIG IF ], and it will be a big complicated mess They may lie and say that they want it to work out, or they may be telling the truth, but the problem with lying is that to believe, requires another leap of faith, in hopes that they are now being honest.
There is no easy answer, and it really depends on how sincere and contrite they are, and this is easy to judge after you decide to look. We give chances with hopes for change, but there does come a time, when for our happiness and our children’s happiness, we have to decide that they will become someone else’s problem.
[ Invent Words ]* craptasticulocity. To consist of, pertaining to, or containing a defining characteristic of crap
Great analysis. Accurate. Hurts to read. Been there…
Nicki´s last blog ..*sniffle* I’m broken?
It hurt to write
You are spot on with this post and like Nicki it hurts to read because I have been there, both positions.
I found in my own experiance that the trust was gone and there was no getting it back. Neither of us trusted eachother and whenever we would fight any fight at all the afairs always came up and that was when I knew that we would never get through it.
Jolene´s last blog ..If you say you have never felt it then you are lying.
I was asked, “How can you trust me? I don’t trust myself”
I have always decided that I will openly trust. Like forgiveness, I won’t forget, but I will forgive. And, I still have.
I will trust first, and allow you to break that trust. I will easily and quickly forgive. But I will adjust my actions and choices around whether I know that I can rely on you.
That will not change how much it hurts though.
Ouch. I hope to God I never have to go through that in my marriage. I went through a period* where my ex was cyber-cheating… and that was bad enough. I wanted to forgive and trust him again and I tried- but in the end, it was the “forget” that got me. I couldn’t forget, it was always in the back of my head.
What a fairy tale love is.
*period: the majority of our relationship though I didn’t find out about it until the end.
IntrigueMe´s last blog ..Christmas Apples
*SIGH* well…this is exactly what it’s like.
It’s exactly how you describe, you are watching from the sidelines – unable to reach your partner in any sense. I realized when I stopped caring that I was in that position, it was time to leave. Now…well now…I’ve become the bad guy somehow in this twisted situation, the one who doesn’t want to try…DUDE!
No “saving the marriage” is worth the destruction of yourself. And in the end…you do have to decide if it’s them or you. I choose me…I choose my daughter…I choose to let go of the pain and recover the lost pieces. = )
This post is both difficult and healing to read.
StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person"
That’s a really great way to put it, “I choose me”.
IntrigueMe´s last blog ..Christmas Apples
The one who leaves will always get it spun against them. I was asked many times after I finally gave up. to work it out and that I’m abandoning the family. And, that it is all my fault for a failed marriage.
Hmm… I ignored them, knowing that they didn’t have the full story, and out of respect (Everybody tells me she doesn’t deserve it) I kept the truth to myself. I didn’t want the kids to be dragged through it, so I quietly took the blame.
There is a point, when it does become the destruction of yourself, and you have to get away. To every successful marriage, there are two unique people who save each other with love. protecting each one from the destruction of the pain and suffering that infidelity provides.
That is a VERY true statement. I put up with so much while I was married and I begged for my ex to go to counseling but he wouldn’t but the minute I finally gave up he wanted to go to counseling, but by that time I knew there was no turning back which made me the bad person becuase I was not willing to try anymore. I was the one who gave up on everything and he drug my name through the mud and back again. I lost all my friends because of it but if they only knew the truth, the abuse I put up with I would like to think they would have a different opinion about the situation… but they will never know… because he was the one who did all the talking and badmouthing and I kept things private.
Jolene´s last blog ..If you say you have never felt it then you are lying.
Dang… I could tell you EPIC tales of badmouthing. Just an amazing way of finding the biggest outlet possible and then letting loose.
She wanted to go to counseling. I didn’t. I knew what was wrong, and I knew what was needed in fixing it, but I wanted her to work through her issues, so I did. I just wasn’t prepared for the result. She came out and told the counselor, “I will cheat on him. I will do it.” The counseling was prior to some “very bad things” in my life.
He told me to get a divorce. That people divorce for less than what I lived with.
I am positively certain, that if the truth was truly understood that your friends would see it in a very different light.
By the way, there was no abandonment. But that was one of the stories that was spun.
I know that if my friends ever knew the truth it would be very different but when we seperated we told our friends that we would not drag them in the middle and I stuck by my word…. he however would, and still to this day will… tell anyone who will listen loads of lies about me. I have more stories spun about me daily. All I can do now is just laugh them off becuase some of them are so out of this world that it does make me laugh. I know the truth about me and also about our marriage…. and I think I am the only one… my ex has some mental problems and sees things that are not real. One of the huge reasons we are not longer married.
I can’t believe that she told the counselor that she would cheat again. That is so heartless.
Jolene´s last blog ..If you say you have never felt it then you are lying.
As student mama writes, this post is both difficult and healing to read. Having lived through a similar nightmare, this post and your commenters have shed some light to me.