It Could Start A Fire, It Could Light Up The Sky

I laid back in my pillow, with my headphones on.

The fan was blowing over the heater and I could feel the warm breeze swing back and forth as I begin to drift off.  The music grows from something that I can register, to being a soft distant memory enhancer.

[ Eh? Grows softly? ]

I was in a hammock, and I could feel the Caribbean breeze and gentle rain fall. My eyes close…

My mind swings back to the music. I realize what’s playing and I recall a date I went on [ Well it was a non-date date, really ]. I was sitting on the couch late one night. It was 2AM and I was watching an old Cary Grant movie with a women.

Waters are deep. Floating on the surface won't suffice.

I sat closely, and she leans into me, and with her fingers, she places them on my lips.

Stop…

I pause for a second, and look at her. She starts to pull away.

Stop what?

She looks at me and again, she says, “Please stop.”  with her fingers pressing against my lips.  I’m not sure what she is talking about.   She slowly takes away her fingers.  I was young, and didn’t realize what just happened. So I asked again, “What did I do?”

She paused for a second, “Please stop biting your lip…”

I caught for a moment, something that took me years to fully recognize and understand.  “Did you want me to stop this?” and with that, I bit my lower lip and tugged on it, as I glanced at her to see her response.

“Travis, please… I beg you.  I’m going to stop looking at you”

The music switched again.  And my thoughts came back.

[ It's starting to be a long night. ]

I turn over and stare out the window, at the city lights.  The bedroom overlooks the city as my apartment sits on one of the highest hills, and I have a view that changes as clouds drift in and out.  Tonight it’s clear, and I can see the trickle of cars in the distance on the beltline.

My eyes gently close, while a song by Ben Lee starts to play.

My thoughts dance over all the girlfriends that I’ve had, and ponder each one.  Thinking about each one, looking for the point of failure and wondering if something could return, if I wanted.

But, I only saw a future, and not a single one was in it.  There is an ache, and I don’t know whom it’s for.   I flip through each mental picture, there has to be someone who fits me? I ponder… [ And it's too late to be thinking this deep ] This late is like being drunk.  Your brain starts to do things you wouldn’t normally do when sober.

I see faces.  But, it won’t allow me to see the eyes.   I have to see the eyes.  I have to be able to see who they really are.  I have pictures of new people that I’ve met, but I can’t get the depth of who they are by these.  So I can only mentally shift these pictures into the “maybe” group.  And this late, I’m digging through the “maybe’s” like there tangible.

But, the person who I want to be with doesn’t fully exist yet.  I get glimpses and moments that spark a ting of hope.  I’m desiring to know, and I hold onto the hope that it will someday tell me, if there is anything more to these ting’s.

And then the song shifts again.  I look out the window.  This time, a song by Sophie B Hawkins [ Holy crap! How did this get into my playlist ] comes on.

I look away from the window.  Roll over and then turn off the music.