So let’s kick up a little discussion.
This past week, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about soul-mates.
I actually have a strong opinion about this. But, I’m going to ask you what you think, as some people see it as black and white, or that they just don’t want to think of it at all, as it can be saddening for some.
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And this is where my opinion fits.
I don’t subscribe to the notion that there is a soul-mate that is fated to you. Why, do you ask? Well I fully subscribe to the notion that we have free agency. That we get to make all of our own decisions. That I get to pick who my soulmate will become.
I get to pick dang it!
The idea of a soulmate that is described by many, is faulty. I believe that truth is simple, and the moment that it’s prone to problems… it no longer is a truth.
A+B=C ( Me, You=Happiness)
How about…. C-A=B? How about C-B=A? All of these deal with one thing, they are the same subject but your switching up the formula. And to have someone say that I have to be one of these… just makes me grumpy.
What if she is C and I’m B? Then I would still have a complete relationship, as A, B and C are still there. But for someone to say that I have to be A, and someone other is a B, feels restricted to me. My future soul-mate could be A, B, or C.
So let me dig into soul-mates. When we first start to date, we love the idea that someone is out there for you. Waiting to find you. That they were there to love you. And your just looking for them, and them you. What your actually doing is saying, that you don’t want to be free, that you want to other to be forced to you, and that he can’t choose either. And that will remove any idea, that we have to work for love. Cause, heck… we are soul-mates. Why work anymore, right?
And then you think you find him or her. Even with all the yellow flags… they are still the one.
So you marry the one that you believe is your soul-mate. How many people have ever thought to themselves… “He is my soul-mate” thinking that if you love them enough, they will be reminded that they were.
Did you catch the word “is” in there? Guess what that means? It means that you placed him there. He wasn’t there before. You said he is your soul-mate, because you choose to have him there. You can easily say… “He isn’t my soulmate” and that would mean, that you have no desire to make him so.
You get to decide. And, that’s what matters.
This is the soul-mate I subscribe to. I get to decide who I will fall in love with. And then I will work endlessly for you to love me so much that we will become each other’s soul-mates.
The soul-mate definition that people tend to subscribe too, is weak sauce.
It’s not spicy. It’s passive. And, I want the freedom to love you so much, that it gives us the opportunity to be true soul-mates… The one by our own design.
So the question is, do I believe in soul mates?
The simple answer is no, I believe that all relationships, no matter the amount of compatability or similarity between the members, need work. It’s work to allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone and its work to be able to accept vulnerability from someone you count on.
I think that after many years and lots of work, two people can become eachother’s perfect mate, but that isn’t soul mates fated from above, that’s time and patience, and work.
So maybe the reason we are all still single is that we are lazy, paranoid slobs?
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Yeah, I don’t know about the soul mate thing. I believe in the ability to choose the right person who is good for your soul. And I think, hope, pray, that there can be more than one. I want to believe that there are people who are right for us at different times that we may outgrow and that eventually we may find the one we are supposed to grow with. That’s what I’m looking for. The one who wants to grow old with me, the one who sees me and still loves me, the one who appreciates me and shows it in so many special ways. Because that guy…that one…I’ll give him everything. No holding back.
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I’m the same… you give me that one person to love, I don’t hold back… I will make life awesome.
Since we are ever changing – I really don’t see how we could ever be suited to only one person. It’s certainly romantic to think that you’ve found “the one,” but unrealistic.I also agree with Nicky that we grow out of many relationships because neither one of us can grow together. Then you find someone who is willing to grow with you – call it whatever you wish, but I might consider that a soul-mate. Maybe not “THE ONE” – but anyone who encourages me to grow and better myself is positive in my book.
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I worry that would mean, that because your changing that at some point your going to drop them. because they didn’t change with you.
Love should be something deeper that you changing, it should be what binds the two together. I do also agree in the idea that there isn’t just one, but a pool of people that you are compatable with on a core set of beliefs.
I was told once, that anybody in this world could love and be loved, and live a fulfilled happy life with each other.
Which tells me, that just like your last line, we really need someone who we grow with and we become better together.
We live in a single serving, instant gratification society, so lots of people think its absolutely normal to declare undying love one moment and the next decide they’ve outgrown that person.
I think love, real love, love that is more than butterflies in teh stomach and rose colored glasses, takes work, and patience, and forgiveness.
But that’s me, and I’ve been single in my life far more than I’ve been part of a couple.
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You are 100% correct. I would agree with you on all accounts. And I’ve been married far longer than I’ve been single…
butterflies are good, but that should be accompanied with work, patience and forgiveness.
Sad, hopeless romantic that I am. I do believe in soulmates. I think we can have several in our lives – each for a different reason – and at different times. But finding one isn’t the hard part – keeping the magic while you both are changing and growing – or not growing – is the hard part.
I’ve gotten chills from looking into eyes that reflected my own soul – and that made me a believer. Some people are just supposed to get together for some reason.
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@AmyMarie – There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic. If you’ve read my blog, you would know that I’m a deeply romantic person. And romance is what makes love that much more amazing.
I just side with the idea, that it’s far more romantic to know that when they look into your eyes, that it is really them as a person doing it and not something that neither has control over.
Non believer although I do think we are WAY more compatible with some people than others. For me, relationships have been work so either I haven’t found my soul mate or I’m looking with the wrong pair of glasses.
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It’s this explanation that states again, the impossibility of having a “soul-mate” because it is work. work is the defining moment that says, we are choosing to be with this person, and that we aren’t forced to be with this person.
I will be a lot of different people in my life, because I am always changing and growing. My significant others as well as my friends have changed throughout my life, as I have. They’ve all brought something to my life and they all made me happy for a time, and I’m sure I served a purpose in theirs as well. Sometimes two people evolve together and sometimes they don’t. Some relationships expire quicker than others and some get lucky and last a lifetime. I think that we need to focus more on the people in our lives right now, and appreciate them while we have them because at some point, we may not fit together anymore. Our relationships will likely get better and longer over time not because we’ve found our “soul mate” but because we have consistently grown as people and are better eqipped to have successful relationships. This ideal that there is someone out there who is “meant” for us is irrational- I can only hope for someone who can tolerate me for any length of time.
That said, I guess I don’t really believe in soul mates. I belive in compatibility and comprimise and happiness and that has the potential to come from many different sources.
I hope that makes sense because I had a really hard time putting my thoughts into words.
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You said that very well.. and it makes a great deal of sense.