As I walk out the door, I tend to leave with my headphones on. Walking out into the world with a sense of rhythm. Maybe something mellow. Maybe a little classic rock. Maybe old GnR.
Tango que me hiciste mal
Rhythm is something that I truly need right now. To regain that beat. That rhythm in my life. Many moons ago I would walk out from a screaming house. Kids getting ready to go school. All frustrated, the kids would hunt for books and papers. With last second hugs, kisses and goodbyes, I was off to the salt minds of reading crazy ideas for software with no security in mind.
It was okay. But…
But the rhythm was tainted. It was jerky. It didn’t have love, and worse, it had hurt.
Today, I stepped out into a rainy morning, quietly closing the door from a quiet home. No laughter. No frustrations. No hugs and no kisses. It’s been like this for awhile. I’m told that I gave all of it up. That I abandoned my family, and because I was married, I had to accept everything. I was told that I had to deal with it.
And I did.
I wanted more than anything to just deal with it. And accept that marriage has to be this way. To let it slide off of me like water on a ducks back.
So I put my weight into my kids. I balanced everything out with all the love I could give, to the little hearts and minds that I were placed in my arms. But then it happened. I couldn’t balance out what was witnessed, for the first time, by my youngest. It was too much. He saw a broken father.
I couldn’t take it again.
I came back to the moment as I stood outside the main door. About ready to run to the car. The drizzle isn’t bad, but I have to plan to make sure I stay as dry as I can be. I tap the volume up a couple of notches. My mind, drifts to a sound that feels like I could be on the beach. With a smile on her face, and a twinkle in her eye as the sun sets in the distance. The waves gently crash against the sand. As her shoulders swayed to the off beat of the ukulele, and a harmonic bass to wrap it all up.
I zipped up my coat.
So, hey soul sister, I don’t want to miss a single thing… you do… tonight…
And with that thought, I ran.
I think we all deal with guilt and regret. You know you did the best you could, and that you still do your best. What others say about you doesn’t matter.
alley´s last blog ... . . And then there are days like these
I read this and I don’t know what to say. Leaving a significant other I have been through, but I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to close that door every morning without the sound of your children behind you. I guess the good news is that it can only get better from here.
And it will, in time.
IntrigueMe´s last blog ..Opening Up The “Happy Boxes”
P.S. Time for a new set of photos, methinks.
IntrigueMe´s last blog ..Opening Up The “Happy Boxes”
Haha… I know, I know… but that takes work
We all have days we struggle with the ramifications of our choices. Such is the challenge of leading an introspective life. At the same time, step confidently toward the light knowing you made the right choice, even though it was a hard choice, even though it means that you don’t get to see the kids every day. At least when you see them, they get to see the REAL you.
Thinking of you. I echo your pain. I understand your feelings of guilt.
Nicki´s last blog ..Friendship feeds my soul…
No matter the circumstances, there’s always regret.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Man Cave instead of Dog House?