When I Fall Down You Put Me Back Together

Also known as, You ride the waves not knowing where they go.

I reached the doors. I didn’t have my coat fully zipped up and as I followed another person out, it caused me to stop, and make a slight gasp for air. I quickly zipped up and looked out in the what’s known as a wind tunnel. I can see the wind blowing sideways between the building and the parking garage.

[ Ugh ]

And as most people know, there is going to be music playing in my ears. But tonight it’s so cold they aren’t staying in. So I tuck them away and briskly walk out to the car. I’m getting distracted by thoughts as I will be sitting at a beach this weekend… not a warm one. But I will get to see the ocean on brisk clear nights.  Not much unlike going to Baltimore, I plan to be bundled up.  But.. it’s the ocean.  It’s one of my favorite locations to be.  No matter what time of year, like many things in my life, I love to observe.  I love to watch how the waves come in. And what angle they return at.

At this time about 5 years ago. I was at a beach on the Big Island, Hawai’i.  The first day I was there. The waves where perfect and I went body boarding.  I would continuously ride the wave in all the way to the beach. It was a perfect day and decently challenging.  The next day we decided to go snorkeling… one thing to note, when I’m on vacation I like to take the unbeaten path.  Go to the areas that the locals go. [ Which can get you into trouble... ] but we learned of a spot that was really good…

[ You had to be daring ]

Over looking the ocean you stood on lava. You had to have guts. as you couldn’t just step into the ocean.  You had to dive.  And if you didn’t dive far enough you were going to hit the rocks.  [ Not as bad as you think it is ] But you had to decide to do it, and then commit.

I watched on a trip to Costa Rica a woman who decided to stop mid step, and she wanted to return… She couldn’t, and I watched as she started falling into the rocks to the side.  I was forced to dive at her, and push her.  Forcing her to jump above 15 feet of water.  With her going in just fine and me twisting my ankle and falling into the water on my side. [ Sucked... badly.  I still have the picture of those rocks ]

To commit.  To start something that we can not rescind on.  It’s a powerful reminder that we can’t give up and try and do a take back.

The last day of Hawai’i, I was at that same beach… It was different. [ Very different ] The waves were extremely large and I went out there and rode the first wave in just fine.  It was an awesome rush, and so I got up and went out again.  This time though, I caught the third swell of the group… it lifted me up and I saw 10 feet of air below me.  I could sense this wasn’t going to be good.  I looked to my left and saw the wave form a curve… It got larger and I realized that I was in a really poor spot.  I was about 3/4 of the way up when I saw it cresting… just above me.

I wasn’t high enough to let the wave pass… It was going to come down on me.  I was already committed to this moment.

This is going to hurt.

[ I could feel myself tumbling under the water. ]

I clenched my eyes shut.  In the next 10 minutes I experienced a very painful, tiring and exhausting moment.  The sand started to blast at me and it was intensely painful and I couldn’t see.   I was dragged up to where I could barely stand on the sand, where the water was about 5 feet deep.  I stood up with my eyes stinging and I couldn’t open them.  I then realized I was facing the beach… [ Oh crap! ] as I felt the pull of the water on my body… And just as I turned to locate the wave… Bam... I went down smacking my head against something hard.

I was feeling an intense stinging sensation against the side of my face.  My body was tumbling and this time I couldn’t locate the surface.  I tried to relax, but this was a new experience and I was tense from it.   Shortly, my head popped up above the water, and I gasped for air and realized that I could stand on my toes… again I found myself facing the beach.  But I was treading water.  I quickly turned around and saw the water decrease from my chest all the way to my knees, causing me to stand. [ This was almost a pleasant euphoric sensation ].  It was a brief moment.  Now… I was looking at a wall of water that blocked the horizon.  I made an attempt to jump into the wave,  and just as I hit the wave I could feel it lifting me up.  I frantically tried to swim through it, but it brought me back with it and again I crashed again’st the sand.  This time, I was down. Tumbling blindly. Eyes stinging from the salt, sand and cuts.

I stopped moving as I was exhausted. I let myself float there so I could assess where I was at.  I could feel the water pulling me backwards so I calmly swam against it knowing I was being pulled into another wave.

This time I caught the wave a little better.   I got up on the wave but my board was dragging behind me and was strapped to my leg, causing the wave to drag me down into the sand just below the surface… unable to breath.  As I was under, I ripped off the board from my ankle and my body felt free to move again.  I was able to stand up, but I was so tired that it just brought me back down crawling the last stretch of the beach to the dry sand, and I just laid there.

Nobody saw this.  I was alone through this and nobody noticed that I was in trouble.

“Dude, why are you laying on the sand?”

To which I responded with a whimper.

To answer AmyMarie’s question… Somedays I look at the waves and just decide to sit on the sand and never get near the water… But other days, I look out and dream of the really good ride.   And I run back out and hit that really good wave.

But I learned a lesson… I reminded myself why I knew, that you should never look away from the waves.

I’ve hit the sand after that, but it wasn’t because I was looking it away.  It was because I was prepared to hit the sand.  And I rolled with it.

It’s the truth, love, compassion that I see.  The happiness and joy that awaits me.  But for me to be ready to receive it, I have to live it.  Joy will not come to me… I must seek it.