Me: So she’s moving?
Her: Yeah, I have to help her, it’s going to be busy this week.

Me: Is her boyfriend helping?
Her: Hahaha… no! Are you kidding? He won’t step in the house she was married in.

Me: I could swear at his insensitivity but there are grownups in the room.
Her: lol

Me: Tell him to “man up buttercup and help the woman you love!!!”
Her: LOL

I swear! what is it with guys these days that they are so selfish that they can’t help when help is needed.  They watch from the sidelines as the women have to get up and do what he should be helping her do.

This thought brought to you by a MAN DANGIT! So don’t be a PANSY!

Dang it… some how, some way… I ate asparagus.  And that’s just foul.   Oh… I remember what it was… that pasta salad. The evil [ EvIL ] pasta salad.  And all I tried to do was just gorge my self on highly seasoned meats.  Awesome [ So very awesome ] amount of meat.

For tonight… I ate at a Brazilian grille.

I ate so much that I felt like I was going to pass out [ How did I get home again? ]

And worse of all, after eating all that meat, I walked past State Street Brats.  [ Oh Why!!!! ]

This thought brought to you by a queasy stomach and the wonderful smell of brats lingering in the air…

[ Editors Note: ] As usual, we at ACL do not condone the over eating of highly seasoned [ but yet so tasty ] meats.  But eat asparagus… it’s mmm mm mmmm m mmmm tasty.

It was kind of funny when I moved out to Wisconsin a couple of years ago.  I originally came Wyoming, and out west, they have what is called fry sauce.

Me: Could I get some fry sauce too?
Drive Thru: ????
Drive Thru: You mean ketchup?

Me: Uh… yeah thanks! [ That was awkward ]

And a small tear ran down my face as I acknowledged that I was now in a foreign country filled with Bubblers, Beer and cheese… lots of cheese [ Mmmmm cheese! ], and some card game called sheep’s head… uh yeah. But no fry sauce.  Fry sauce in the inter-mountain west could actually be picked up at McDonalds, Wendy’s and pretty much any restaurant and fast food place.  It was pink gold. And it’s not ketchup

Why do I talk of something that I haven’t tasted in 3 years?  Well… I bought some corn dogs, and bag of tatter tots, and for the first time in a long time I made fry sauce.

[ Mmmmmmmm ]

So before I get bashed by the folks east of the Mississippi.  First and foremost, this tasty product uses…. that’s right… it uses… miracle whip.

[ Did I just loose half of my readership? ]

All I ask is forgiveness.. and the desire to try one bite.  I promise it’s good.

First,  you fill a cup about half way full of miracle whip [ Okay fine, we can try it with mayo, but I'm not making any promises ].  Then you pour some ketchup in there.   Start with a little, and mix it together, adding ketchup as you mix, to get the color you want. Then you get sweet pickle relish and put about a half a spoon full of that into the cup. and mix.

Apply liberally to corn dogs, fries and onion rings…. [ It's awesome! ]

This thought brought to you by the nummy tasting awesomeness of fry sauce… mmmmm fry sauce.  It’s the good stuff.

So there I was.  How to do this… Am I going to stammer? Will I stammer?! Dang, I can’t stammer.  I just need to get these butterflies stomped out and just do it.

Me: Uh…. Hi!

Me: Hi, can you kiss your elbow?
Her: I don’t know.

Me: Well try to kiss it.
Her: I can’t.
Me: Well, here let me show you.  Lift out your hand

I held her hand and kissed it slowly.  And then afterwords, passionately look up at her, and say, “Did you feel that?”

And there you have it… pure gold [ I'll be here all week ]. Yet, I’m told I’m a dork… hmmmm I just don’t get it?

This thought brought to you by her hand… which was just kissed

[ Editor's Note ] Any trickery presented by Travis is not representative of the ethical values that ACL may or may not have

So I was sitting in the mall… minding my own business, just sitting, and waiting… and then…

“Hey Sweetie…”

“Yes?”

“What do you think of these jeans? Do they make my butt look big?”

“Sweetie, I think they look great…. it really… brings out the eyes.”

“Awwwww”

Score! I thought… [ Mmmm yeah... ] I’m all about the brownie points today.

What would you think if I bought them?

Well, I think they look gr… “Have I told you how handsome you are?”

“Uh…”

“And one more thing…”

“Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!”

Dang it!… She’s using the Chewbacca defense!

Huh? What?!? It doesn’t make sense… this isn’t making sense? What were you saying?

My brain started to become mush as I attempted to rationalize Chewie living on Endor… Why would he do that? What’s up with that?

“Thanks sweetie, here’s your card back”

Huh? [ Where was I? ]

This thought brought to you by Johnny Cochran… for helping to bring the Red Herring argument back to life…

[ Editor's Note ] Chewbacca Defense

So there I was.

Headphones on. Playing a Anjulie song… one that is causing me to think of future dates.  This bench is nice. I love Central Park. It’s so.. fake. [ Is that a real rock? ] but real too.  beautiful.

But this time,  I was sitting in Central Park just about to eat a sandwich, when from out of nowhere some guy reaches from behind the bench, and grabs my sandwich. I turn around, and Steve Martin is taking a huge bite out of my grilled ham and cheese.  He’s enjoying it [ A little too much ], and looks like it’s the best sandwich in the world.  Part of me was ticked and the other part wanted to ask if he could sign my chest [ Not really... well maybe ]… “Focus!” I tell my self. But, this sandwich was mine! I started to get furious as it was made for me, WITH Miracle Whip!, And for him to get his slobery hands all over it… just [ hUlk LiKE RAGE! ] But… but… I restrain as a police officer is close by.

And then as he turns to walk away, he says to me with a full mouth, “No one is ever going to believe you.”

Sigh… This thought brought to you by my absent grilled ham and cheese.  I don’t know what it tasted like, and I didn’t get my chest signed…

So the other day I was standing in front of a woman in a check out line, and all I could think was…

Leave me alone! I am not an Axe commercial!

This thought brought to you by the musky chocolate awesomeness that is…

mmmmm m mmm mm mmmmmm…

So I overheard a conversation. And all I could think was….

Dude, you must of thought she was beautiful, and that you fell deeply and passionately in love with her at one point.  She would follow you all over this stupid planet, and break a heel in Time Square.  And then backpack with you all over the Wind Rivers.  And, all you can say is…

Man, she burnt my toast.

Jackass…

This thought is brought to you by the creamy goodness of hazelnut and chocolate, over a piece of toasty whole wheat goodness.

Mmmm hazelnut and chocolate… Can Italy do no wrong? Well yes it can do wrong, but I will be blind to the wholesome goodness that is Nutella.