This week has been a long interesting week.  I’ve had the hard realization this week, that I’m afraid. I have some deep insecurities about relationships, and it all started in high school.

Let me start by saying that the way I love today, has pretty much never changed since high school.  And in high school I never went without a girlfriend. I was monogamous in those relationships and I allowed myself to fall in love.  The tragic part of this was that they wanted the one thing that I wanted to save. And went looking for it with other guys.  So what did that start telling me?  That it was to be my fate, to never have someone truly love me with all their heart.

I started to live my life, with a slight disconnect.  I loved, but I could not feel love.

I was too fearful of it.  I just knew at some point that they weren’t going to love me anymore, and poof, they wouldn’t really want me anymore and search for someone else.

So when my ex-wife exacted a vengence on something that didn’t happen early on in the marriage [ Her fears existed well before me ], I cried on the couch as she was proudly tearing me down into a ball of nothing.  Prior to this I just didn’t think much of pornography, and never had as it wasn’t a part of me… [ But I started my hatred for pornography because of this moment ]

And then I went numb. [ numb is good right? ] and for 6 years, I just did my thing, still loving but never expecting to be loved… and really I look back and I wasn’t.  But I smiled, hugged often, loved often, made a really happy home.

Until I had a job that took my presence from my family.  It didn’t even pay that well to be so soul sucking.

But all the infidelity started coming in droves.  And then her fear caused a “I must do it first, before he does it to me” type of repeatable vengeance in her.  Which literally became this 9th circle of Hell.

All topped off with physical and emotional abuse in the final years of the marriage. So love, wasn’t felt for years.  I just don’t know how to feel loved.

So here is my problem.  I can’t trust my heart to someone.  I’ve built up in my mind, that I can’t be loved, because they cheat on me and they hurt me.

I tried a couple of times to open my heart, and I’m certain that I’ve sabotaged relationships by making them feel like I don’t like or love them.  I try too hard to make it so someone will not want to love me.  When I get hurt, I just tell women that, “it’s okay” cause I don’t expect anything more.  It’s what I’m used too. and it’s my only mechanism to not hurt their feelings and still allow me to try and get past it.

I literally see all these women who are fantastic,  I honestly believe that most women are these amazing people.  Yet, I always leave it with, “well I’m sure they will love someone, I wonder when I could be loved?”

My heart and mind haven’t synced up.  What I know and what I feel aren’t aligned. And it’s going to make it difficult for someone… I just fear it.

[ I have to fight through my fears... ]

And all of this just tears at my heart.

Healthwise this week has done a number on me. I fought through work this week, and finally couldn’t do it this morning.  I was feeling like crud. And I slept most of the day.  Curling up in a ball and just wishing that the fever would break [ It's sorta broke now ]

Which means the creative juices have not been flowing, and insightful wisdom has been thrown out with the bath water. [ Ewwww who knows what's in that water? ]

Last year, I bought this silver ring. I really like this ring, I’ve worn it on my right ring finger for most of the time, I typically don’t forget about it, but sometimes I do.  This week, I lost my ring.  I couldn’t figure out where I left it [ I must of been really tired ] and then I noticed something.  I was playing with a ring that was on my left hand ring finger. [ What the?! ]

Somewhere in this past week, I had moved the ring over.  And I didn’t think anything of it.  It felt comfortable, nice, and my hand felt good. It felt whole.

This week, I’ve been thinking about wedding rings [ interesting... ].  My last ring I actually left on the dresser the day I left.  It wasn’t mine, I didn’t want it anymore, and it had a nick in it, that could not be repaired.

This nick had a story.  One that I hated telling people, because it reflected the anger in my Ex’s life, and that poor ring was the victim of being chucked down a parking lot.  Because… I opened a building door for another woman [ I was just being a gentleman ] She did feel bad and took it to a jeweler to have it buffed out.  But that nick was always there.  It litterly defined the direction that the marriage was going to go in.  I oftened looked at the nick and associated it with pain.

But yet, I still knew after all that pain, that all was right with marriage.  It’s the only thing in this world that makes people better.   It’s the only time when you see two people forge a bond, that for many becomes unbreakable.  But, we have to choose if we want to make it unbreakable.

The biggest reason why my marriage lasted 15 years, was because I fought to make it unbreakable.  But, unless both sides are in tune with each other, temptation and destructive behaviors will eat at the marriage, and for many in a blaze of suckiness [ the suckiest ] the marriage collapses.

But it doesn’t have too.  If men would just hold fast to their wives, and focus solely on them. Placing protective barriers again’st the most vulnerable parts [ Like a fort... ooohhh a tree fort!! ] the marriage would be protected.

I played with the ring on my left hand for a moment.  I rolled it, and then squeezed my hand so I could feel it against my palm.  And then I gently took it off, put it in my palm for a second feeling the weight of it, and then placed it on to my right hand [ where it is right now ]

[ Hi! my name is Steve ]

I looked into the mirror this morning [ Eep ].  Like I’m sure many do, you look at yourself, and you blink a couple of times, wondering, “Do I really look that tired?”

*blink*

You stare into the mirror, and your looking at your reflection.  You tend to move your face side-to-side, looking at how far your face has traveled in this life.  All the emotions… laughter, tears, anger… and that’s just if your not divorced.

Being divorced brings on a whole new level to these feelings.  You miss the laughter, you fight back the tears, and you try to flee from the anger.

You stare into this mirror and it’s one way.  It’s showing back to you, who you are.  For a while I didn’t really look into the mirror.  I did my hair, shaved, and then left.  I haven’t looked into a mirror in years.  Until this morning.

Once was a time [ Fairy tale stories start this way ], I stood between infinite mirrors.  And if anyone has ever done that, it feels like you are looking into infinity. You see yourself 100’s of times.  It was there to remind you that your marriage is to be infinite.   That you should be looking to the future with the constant goal of loving your spouse.  That your marriage and love for each other, and your companionship is infinite.

I missed that this morning.  I stared really long, and really hard today.  I squinted.  I frowned.  I smiled.  I noticed that the bags under my eyes were forming permanent creases.  I placed a cold rag on my eyes to try and get them to decrease.  [ I don't know how long I've had them. ]

I then stood up and shook off the aches, and slipped on my head phones and…

bounced down the stairs and left all the zombies behind me… My brain is not yours for consumption… I have my zombie protection kit on hand… and I’m not afraid to use it.

And I’m not even that big into zombies… so… eh.

Me: You are completely awesome!
Her: Why?

Me: Why what?
Her: Why am I awesome?

Me: Mmmm… [ Ummmmmm ]
Her: So you didn’t mean it?

Me: No, I just needed a sec to put all the words together

“You are awesome, because I am the orange crayon in your crayon box.  You’re awesome, because you are loving, gentle, kind and sweet.  You put your emotions out on your sleeve, and I see that as a strength and not a weakness.”

It seems recently that I’ve been getting emails from readers just expressing a broad range of thoughts. [ Except they all deal with the same subject ]. I’ve been asked what should be said when breaking up with someone to make it quick, semi-painless, but to make it clear in no uncertain terms that it was over. To messages saying that I’m an anomaly and how they wished they could find someone like that.

I’ve been told, that I’m either in awed of, or lusted over. [ Still figuring that  out ]

Much of what I write, is what I believe a relationship should be like.  To often, I hear about all the negative.  The abuse, the infidelity and the loneliness.  And these are good things to get off your chest.   But what about the hope? The belief that everything will be fine, that this hell on earth will only last just long enough to make you appreciate the beauty when you see it.  Of all the people, the ones who go through this pain, will deeply recognize what love and compassion should feel like and know it when they see it.

There are sucky men and women out there, that we could all use a break from.

My one fear as I write this blog, is that there will be the one reader who doesn’t believe in love, that they have become hardened.  They can no longer love.

“She will learn from her mom, that she doesn’t need a man”

In life, there is the views that are hard-left.  Views that are hard-right and views that are just right [ Eh? Goldylocks? ]. With hard-left being a thought in the most negative of form.  Where hard-right is taking a thought to the other end of the spectrum… both sides appears to be beneficial, but both still results in a extreme negative view.

For instance with the above quote, I would see this as a hard-left statement. Where you are seeing that something should be “cut” from your life, to gain happiness.

The hard-right view of this, is to say this: “She will learn from her mom, that she has to rely on a man”

When you look at these statements, it clear that both are incorrect.  That a happy medium needs to exist. Something more like this is more fitting:

“She will learn from her mom, that happiness comes from within, and that being in love with a man who treats her with the respect she deserves will re-enforce that happiness”

First thing that is more than a little obvious, is how much longer this sentence is compared to the other two.  Something that people tend to do is shorten sentences to the point, where it removes much of the meaning, and forces you to interpret what they really mean. And that relies on previous understanding of the person’s views, emotional state and thinking styles.

Thoughts that are in the middle of the road, require you to think about why it should be the middle of the road. The hard-left and hard-right answers, don’t require much thought at all. They can be as simple as repeating somebody else’s view. And that other persons view could of just been repeated by somebody else too.

For you to truly do what is right, you have to ponder, why should this be my view?  Any view that is guided or controlled by fear, uncertainty and doubt will directly or indirectly be applied to others, and will never be in the middle of the road.  These views will always lean to the left or too the right.

As for the above example.  I teach my girls to stand on their own.  That a family will only truly benefit when they can apply their strengths and happiness, skills and talents and to do it with a heart that is full of compassion and joy.  I teach my sons, to love, be a strength, and stand up for what is right.  I teach all of my kids that the goal in this life is family.

Men and women need each other.  For their strengths, for their views, and for the love that they can offer each other.

Any man or women who violates this love, will not be able to obtain that which they so desire.  They will end up being loved by another person, and their kids will struggle to learn what love means for them, giving them challenges that would of not otherwise came to them if the two were faithful and lived for each other.

I was staring down a whiteboard.  I didn’t really want to do it as my thoughts were definitely somewhere else.  I drew lines to boxes and wrote down words.  Staring at how they all align.

I didn’t want to be there. It was Sunday afternoon. I shouldn’t be there.

Yet I was.  So I tried to make the best of it.  But I couldn’t hold down a thought if my life depended on it.  I kept staring out the window and fighting back the intoxication of my thoughts [ Or maybe it was the markers... ]

Being in Information Security is jokingly referred to as where good Sys Admin’s go to die.  I’ve been an Engineer for awhile, an Analyst for a little bit in the financial sector, and navigated the crappy waters of management for way more years than I’d like to admit.  I lost more of my youth during my time as management than any other time… It’s good, but I wouldn’t do it in a publicly held company if my life depend… [ Okay, but I would need a strong stiff glass of milk every night ] and someone to sob too, like a 13 year-old after learning that I was grounded for something that I didn’t do. [ Not really, but... what am I saying... yes, yes I would ]

The sun was out yesterday, and I stood looking out the 7th story window across the Wisconsin horizon.  What am I doing here?  I’m staring out across a landscape that isn’t my home.  My kids are over an hour and half away.  This landscape means nothing to me.  Everyone who even matters in my life, is just out of reach. Something about this time has to be important. But what am I to learn from all of this? How to be lonely? Well that’s easy, so I will check that one off.  Anything else? nope… I’ve got nothing.

I feel like I’ve trapped myself in this spot.

I get a txt, from another person just out of reach.  She is having difficulties and of course all I have is… my voice and my fast txting skills with words of comfort?  I’ve been told that I have a great voice. Once, in a very uncomfortable setting [ I won a contest ], and the others where I wished they could tell me that in person.

I’m staring out this window.  Again… what am I doing here?

And what is about 7th stories and a bright sunny day that makes the landscape so beautiful? But… that just makes my heart sink as I can’t share it.

I head back to my cubicle, to stare at a whiteboard and smell the intoxicating aromas of a red marker.

[ Oh how I wish that was perfume ]

Brain is going into sabotage mode.  Self doubts are flying around me like those crazy monkeys from Wizard of Oz. At some point I’m afraid that one is going to catch me. and then it’s the military-like precession to dooom!

[ Of DoOOom! ]

This started last night.  I guess, I should of been forewarned. I mean, as I started to drift off, my body starting to jerk and clench.  It was already trying to fight off sleep.  I should of fought it off just a bit longer.  I was only asleep for a couple of hours when I had one of those crazy dream within a dream within a dream of craptasticulocity.  I woke up and my body was just hurting, with my left arm feeling like it had the crap kicked out of it [ odd I don't remember that bruise before ].  I started questioning why anyone would be willing to deal with this.  Heck, I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

I woke up, and literally it felt like I was bound to my bed, I could barely move. [ There has to be a Lifetime movie in here somewhere ]. Maybe someone could come up with something that is a cross between Wicked, Obsessed and My life? Wouldn’t that just be too awesome! A musical too! [ eh... I think I would skip it, actually ]

[ Damn... when will the dreams stop ]

I’m having this self doubt run through me, like Swift Crick on a cold spring day.. [ That's right... I said Crick! ] and it’s not that I’m worried about how I would love someone else, but it’s just that, how could someone love me?  Knowing that there is this stupid crazy baggage lingering around me.  I mean, it’s not like I could have this leave me.  You would have to be willing to watch me act “normal” in public situations and talk with dignity [ even smile ] act like nothing bad ever happened, and then in private watch me melt down… Yeah, I can read that match.com profile section now.

~sigh~

Oh… and every so often, have to witness me wake up from those dreams…

Tango que me hiciste mal

Rhythm is something that I truly need right now. To regain that beat. That rhythm in my life.  Many moons ago I would walk out from a screaming house. Kids getting ready to go school. All frustrated, the kids would hunt for books and papers. With last second hugs, kisses and goodbyes, I was off to the salt minds of reading crazy ideas for software with no security in mind.

It was okay. But…

But the rhythm was tainted.  It was jerky.  It didn’t have love, and worse, it had hurt.

Today, I stepped out into a rainy morning, quietly closing the door from a quiet home.  No laughter.  No frustrations.  No hugs and no kisses.  It’s been like this for awhile.  I’m told that I gave all of it up. That I abandoned my family, and because I was married,  I had to accept everything.  I was told that I had to deal with it.

And I did.

I wanted more than anything to just deal with it. And accept that marriage has to be this way.  To let it slide off of me like water on a ducks back.

So I put my weight into my kids.  I balanced everything out with all the love I could give, to the little hearts and minds that I were placed in my arms. But then it happened.  I couldn’t balance out what was witnessed, for the first time, by my youngest.  It was too much.  He saw a broken father.

I couldn’t take it again.

I came back to the moment as I stood outside the main door.  About ready to run to the car.  The drizzle isn’t bad, but I have to plan to make sure I stay as dry as I can be.  I tap the volume up a couple of notches.  My mind, drifts to a sound that feels like I could be on the beach.  With a smile on her face, and a twinkle in her eye as the sun sets in the distance.  The waves gently crash against the sand.  As her shoulders swayed to the off beat of the ukulele, and a harmonic bass to wrap it all up.

I zipped up my coat.

So, hey soul sister,  I don’t want to miss a single thing… you do… tonight…

And with that thought, I ran.

I have experienced first hand the pains of offering up something so beautiful to have it turned away.  I also have witnessed first hand and through acquaintances the disdain for this gift of beauty, as it was abused and used in a way of reconciling a selfish desire and a absent heart.

Red roses can not hold the beauty that this does

And all I can think of, when pondering over these acquaintances, close friends, and budding relationships is, how could someone hurt them like that.   Like all gifts, they can be abused and used in ways that reinforce a broken heart and make you want to abandon everything that is good, beautiful and loving.

A rose… is supposed to be a reminder, that you are loved.  That your beauty equals that of this outstanding and remarkable flower.  Where it starts as a bud, closed and waiting for sunlight, and waiting for the warmth and water [ And maybe a aspirin ].

And then over the next little while, it blooms, blossoms and becomes so beautiful that everyone who walks by stops for a moment, looks and ponders at the beauty of it.

This is what a rose is for.  To remind you that your beauty buds, blooms and blossoms into something so outstanding that everyone stops, looks and ponders over the beauty that is you.

This rose though can be abused,misused and left abandoned.  Causing people to stop, look and wish that they could do something, but not knowing exactly what there is too do.

Roses are a symbol. One that doesn’t demand respect or anything else.  Just that you look and touch, while gently leaning in and smelling the wonderment of its powerful aroma.

Of all the colors that roses can be, my favorites are lavender, white and yellow.  I do not appreciate or admire red roses, as they have been used to show that someone else holds their heart.

Roses like some of the other things in our lives, tends to be the victim of our own insecurities, fears and troublesome memories.  Making it so we do not desire them.  We do not want the memories that is associated with the troublesome moments in our lives.

So we scour for it’s replacement.  Looking maybe at tulips, lilacs, and even daisies.  To give us the beauty that we look for in ourselves without all the pain.

Remember, remember.  Beauty can not be stolen by men and women who have no regards for marriages powerful and meaningful responsibilities.  It will always be inside of you.  It will also be a part of you.  Your beauty will always shine greater than that of any diamond.  Prettier than any rose.  And offers an aroma grander than any perfume.

Well this past week I learned of an engagement… It ran through my mind and took me into all kinds of directions.  Happiness? Sure.  Joy? Not really.  Frustration? Yup check that one off.

Not my hair...

The man, who became a part of my life in ways that most guys don’t want other men to become a part of their lives, has just put the step forward into ingraining himself permanently in my kids lives…

Bleh.

Worst part, is there is a lot of “extra” communication between him and I,  about the things going on with the kids… just…. aweso…. oh Hell no [ Odd, I've been swearing more lately ].

It’s buckets of craptistulocity.

What makes this crap, you ask? Since some of you know my side of the story [ There is mine, her's and something in between ] , your thinking, this is a good thing right?  Well yes it is. I am really happy [ See second paragraph ] It’s just that I’m being tried way too much, having to deal with Rainman as the middleman to my kids…  I’m sure there are other single parents out there who just want to punch something just at the thought of having to deal with other people who assisted in the demise. [ There is a lot to this demise, but he personifies it ]

[ Breath deeply.... Take the high road, man... ]

~sigh~

I’ve been complimented lately on how I was able to deal with such levels of crap, whereas most men just crumble into a ball of a mess [ Who says I haven't ] and all I can say is…

Hokey Pokey Anonymous…  Good memories, they didn’t just put my left foot out.  They turned my life around too.

[ That reminds me... I have to call Tiger.  He's been asking for advice ]

So,  I’m focusing on goals, and ways to be stronger.  Cause, at some point someone will fall in love with me, and I want to be tubs of awesomesauce when they do.  And completely and wholeheartedly fall in love with them.  I’m going to have to make sure that some of the baggage isn’t still around when I’m heading to the train station of love

[ Hahaha... Weird Al, you rock! ]

[ I'm told I'm a dork ]

I wonder what makes people say that?  Is it something I said? Well, I’m standing behind the train station of love as being funny…. because… it’s funny!

Where was I, oh yes baggage. Well some of it’s got to go.  This baggage called insecurities, is the first to be chucked out.  I wonder if it would be funner as a bonfire instead.  It would provide a roaring [ Rawr!!! Grrrrrr... oops wrong subject ] amount of heat.

Next… hmm let’s see.

Mmmm, yeah, I think it’s time for more hair…. [ just kidding ] If you don’t like to look at a semi-glowing bald head [ Bawld!!! Grrrr.... oh wait... still wrong subject ] Well, your going to be out of luck…. cuz… It won’t be all about the flowing mane of golden flaxen hair around here. Because I’m part Irish. so it will be the flowing mane of deep auburn red…

What?! Oh, that would require that I have hair… Teehee.

The story usually begins something like this:

Dude... I totally understand.

Friend: So why did you get a divorce?
Me: Bad things happened.

Friend: What do you mean? Bad things? Did she cheat on you?
Me: Well yes, but that’s not the bad things.

Friend: Then what?
Me: Just really bad things.
Friend: Okay… did she abuse you?
Me: Yeah…
Friend: What? Did she slap you? [ haha ]
Me: Something like that.

Friend: In all seriousness what are you talking about?
Me: Well. I used to wake up on the floor of the bathroom with the lights turned out and the door closed.
Friend: Why would you sleep in the bathroom?
Me: I didn’t.  That’s just were I woke up.

The first time, when you get seriously abused (Not slapped, not even punched… but severely) It changes you.  After she apologized and some of the healing began. I told her, “If you ever do that again, I will leave you.”  But…

[ Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault? ]

Your mind changes. You start to think your terrible. That somewhere in there it’s your fault.  So when it happened again, all you can do is close up, and just try and make it as little painful as possible. [ See, I didn't fight back. ]

In High School, I studied martial arts and was really quick and I could stop the punches.   When we first started dating, this became somewhat of a joke, as she would she would try and slap me, and I would block it. [ Later she actually told me she was frustrated with this ]

So, when the second time happened. I looked at her, and while she was swinging and kicking, I dropped my guard [ Intentionally ] and she cold clocked me, and I went down.  The world went fuzzy around me, and I could feel the extended blows as I drifted out… The pain went away… and then I came back.

In the flurry of my tears, I begged her to stop. I couldn’t get up. I begged.  It was ignored.

These moments changes you.

[ I did something wrong. It is my fault. ]

When ever the fights would began, I would try and get her to do it in the bathroom.  It was the farthest from the rest of the house.  And I didn’t want the kids to hear.  [ She had no qualms with having it out in the front room ]

She would be screaming at me, for something that was a miss-communication.  Her fear and anger was always there.  She lived in it.  It was her life. And when a miss-communication happened.  In her mind, it was her fears realized.

I would try and beg for her to calm down.  That the kids could hear her.  That she had it wrong [ You never tell her she is wrong. Never. ]. This of course would send her into a rage.  And since I wanted to fix everything. I would let her. Thinking, she will learn, she will know that this is wrong.  It can’t be my fault. She will know… I just know it.

[ I am wrong. It's my fault. ]

Then based on a really poor miss-communication, and her failure to comprehend what she was reading. She decided that she was going to cheat on me.  [ This wasn't new.  This was just the defining period of time ]

My head it the bedroom floor, and for the first time ever, I attempted to reach a phone. But I couldn’t I had no strength.  It was blinding. And as my eyes closed it was shaken away as my neck was grabbed like a kitten and my head was banged again’st the floor many times.

That is all I remembered.

Prior to this, was an argument.  Where I was declaring in anger that I didn’t believe her. That she had to be lying.

I woke up. It was dark. My eye was stinging and I could feel the softness of the bathroom rug. There was a pillow, but I don’t know how it got there. I slowly climbed to my knees.  I didn’t even want to look into the mirror.

I opened the door, from a crawl, to a darkened,  quiet and peaceful bedroom. The fan was blowing and I could see someone laying in the bed.  So I slowly climbed into the side of the bed. My body was hurting, my eye was stinging and neck felt like it had hot knives stabbing into it.   Then I felt a movement to the other side and the last thing I remembered for the night was the visuals of an impressive array of stars.

[ It isn't my fault ]

What changed me the most was that I wanted to be in love. I fell into the “I was in love, with being in love.”  I didn’t know how to do it anymore. I knew the rules and knew the tricks.  I knew how to touch.  But my mind was no longer in sync with my heart. I knew how to be in love, but I was now afraid, that being broken would find me as a damage person. Who wants to be a relationship with someone who is damaged? Who want’s a weakness in a man? I used to be extremely strong.  I had it all going on.  I loved and provided for and I even did the laundry, dishes, cleaned the house and made a pretty good living.  I made life pretty easy to live in. And I think I was a great father [ I still think so ] With a home filled with love, compassion and good strong, very loving father and husband.

I even slowed danced in the kitchen, and you know what that got me?  It got me wanting it back. That’s what it did.

There are moments, where my heart leaps, but it’s scared to jump.  I learned what jumping does when you aren’t prepared, and it is something that haunts me. [ See, I did not fully apply the words of my Ropes instructor to my life, until years later ]