Balance.

What an interesting word.  We are asked to balance life, to balance family, children, spouses, work, our own moral directive, and then we are suppose to try and live life with as little regrets as possible.

Pfft.

To get the balance we have to know what the lefts and rights of balance are.  When we focus all our time on family, we realilize that ourselves are not receiving any attention.  If we focus all of our time at work, we loose focus of ourselves, families and children.  If we focus too much on moral directive, we loose focus of the fact that we are suppose to live it, not force it. If we focus on having no moral directive, we loose ourselves.

Life is about balance.  We are here to learn how to become the person that we are nowhere near being when we are born.  We rely on our parents to teach us how to live, how to love, and how to grow. and in the balance of life, we have people who grew up in terrible conditions, and we have people who grew up in ideal conditions.  So where is the balance?  The balance is to bring both sides to the middle.  Were happiness lies.

Overtly rich people, aren’t any happier than poverty stricken people.  The rich cry too, they are lonely, they wish for things other than what they have, and since they believe they have been given everything, they do not know where to go to fix this.  I saw this documentary about the children of the mega-rich. And some were on meds to fight their depression.  Others walked away from all the money to make 50,000 a year in a job they love.

And, I have witnessed overtly poor people be some of the happiest I ever met. While some where fighting the same problems as the overtly wealthy. [ Depression... ]

The interesting things about this, that cause me to wonder about all of this, is that I am jobless.  I had a really good paying job, and I decided to walk away from it for the opportunity at another company.  I left the comfort of a really good paying job for one that would pay even more.

The job was taken away from me at the last second.  I was announced within the company and signed the offer, but due to some lingering debt problems from the divorce, they told me at the last second, that they saw me as too much of risk. Which is funny, since my career has been around assessing risk in information security.

So here I am, posting my resume out there, and at least got one nibble.  I will find out more this week how well this nibble goes.

But, it’s given me the opportunity to look at life from both sides, where I had money, to where I have $30 in my bank account.  I was fortunate to find a contract job to hold me over and cover some of the CS and bills this month.  [ I think this makes a great weight loss program... ]

So my tribute to my father went live on Singlemommyhood.com today. If you haven’t read it, take a moment to jump on over there and give it a perusal. I’ll wait…

Singlemommyhood.com Father’s Day Tribute [ Still waiting... no worries ]

As life goes, this post @Singlemommyhood went through a couple of revisions, tweeking, and given the glistening look that makes you want down a Coke and then do a “That was awesome, lets do another.”

[ Mmmm Coke from the south of border... ]

But for every story there is a story behind the story.  Some things got left out and where trimmed down.  Originally Rachel asked me to write 300 words.  I came back with 750 words.  Cause… I passed 300 words in the first 5 minutes.

I knew it would be trimmed down, and acknowledged that when I submitted it.

And it turned out very well.

Writing has always been one of those things that I really, really struggled with. [ No, really I sucked at it ]. But I loved to write. I didn’t do too well in school and struggled at it. [ Exciting story nevertheless ] And it didn’t help that when I actually attempted to write and wrote something awesome that the teacher told me I plagiarized it, and that I couldn’t have possibly written it.  I was devastated because for the first time I really put some thought in it.  And I turned to computers as a career choice over becoming a screenwriter.

Blogging has been my outlet for trying again, and again I fell in love with it.  If I could do this as a career and if this site could make money, I would be doing this all day, every day.

Of course my over-analyzing, OCDetic perfectionism really attacks me full on when I have to write for someone else, because I think it isn’t good enough. That it could of been better.  Even my own writing for my own blog goes through 3 revisions before I hit publish.  [ My Girlfriend tells me that I need to just let it go ]

Hmmm, maybe that’s one of the reasons why I have been falling in love with her.  I think she knows I appreciate how she loves me even with my crazy ticks [ She paused me once and said, "Man, do I love you" ] of course silly me, “Why?” But because she loves me, she goes into great detail why.

And of course, she will txt message me when I’m not near her and she will ask me, “Why do you love me?”  and the only fair and valid response is a message where I tell her in great detail why.

But it’s these two things, that has been the back story to my Father’s Day tribute. While trying to work on my writing, I’m also working on a relationship.

And, I look at how I want this relationship to go, and I look back to my father and my mother, and how they are still happily married, and how we as their children are eternally grateful for it, cause now, that my mind is settling back down, and I’m brushing off the pain of the past,  I know who to look to, to remind me what I need to do to have a relationship.

Anybody else hear the crickets? Or cicada’s for those Midwest readers?

Life has been a whirlwind of one-after-another of very life changing events.  It has affected my ability to write, and for the longest I couldn’t do it. I felt life differently and now I’m ready to open the flood gates.

First of the life changing events is that I’m now in a LDR… with my kids.

This was something that was always in the back of my mind. Family and friends where all 1400 miles away from me.  A request on the weekend of my birthday by my family and a special note from my sister [ I imagine she doesn't realize what she said ] just wouldn’t stop leaving my mind all weekend.  And by the end of my trip with my family I made the decision to return and be closer to them.  This of course raised the obvious question, “What about the kids?” and it was tough beyond measure to figure out what to do.  I got all “analytical” and weighed in all the placement time that I currently had, and how much time I could get by having them with me in the summer. and the math said it all. I would actually have more continuous time with my kids if I left where I was at.  Being closer to family also meant that they could see them more often, and get to see more of their cousins, aunts and grandparents.

So I did it, with in three days I was unemployeed persuing a new job, and with the finalization of the background checks I should start employeement in 7 days.

I made it back to see my kids this past weekend for my sons graduation.

It was a great time, and I had nothing but fun and enjoyment with being with my kids for this amount of time.  We played Mario Party [ Still love the Gamecube ] till we couldn’t function any longer and then my oldest drove me to the airport to return home. [ United... you suck on so many levels... ] other than the brain malfunctions at United, which came across to me as being the most disfunctional airline that I have ever been on, I made it home.

And then love, which seems to have elluded me for so long, as I couldn’t feel the vibe that I needed to feel.  I’ve always told myself that love has to come first before anything.  It has to be strong, it has to be what exists first.  To know that no matter what happens in this life, she would be there, and still want to slow dance with me when I’m old and grey, and feel her gentle hands on the back of my neck as she looks into my eyes with that twinkle.

Has anyone ever noticed that when a woman is in love, there is this twinkle in her eye? It’s crazy awesome to see to know that it is you she is looking at when she has this look in her eyes. I’ve seen it more than once, but when I saw it with others it scared me, it didn’t feel right and I didn’t feel it for her when it happened.  But…

There is one that has caught my breath when she looked at me like that, and held me like this, and wrapped her arms around me like so, and then I saw the twinkle like such, and life became that much more amazing.

This week has been a long interesting week.  I’ve had the hard realization this week, that I’m afraid. I have some deep insecurities about relationships, and it all started in high school.

Let me start by saying that the way I love today, has pretty much never changed since high school.  And in high school I never went without a girlfriend. I was monogamous in those relationships and I allowed myself to fall in love.  The tragic part of this was that they wanted the one thing that I wanted to save. And went looking for it with other guys.  So what did that start telling me?  That it was to be my fate, to never have someone truly love me with all their heart.

I started to live my life, with a slight disconnect.  I loved, but I could not feel love.

I was too fearful of it.  I just knew at some point that they weren’t going to love me anymore, and poof, they wouldn’t really want me anymore and search for someone else.

So when my ex-wife exacted a vengence on something that didn’t happen early on in the marriage [ Her fears existed well before me ], I cried on the couch as she was proudly tearing me down into a ball of nothing.  Prior to this I just didn’t think much of pornography, and never had as it wasn’t a part of me… [ But I started my hatred for pornography because of this moment ]

And then I went numb. [ numb is good right? ] and for 6 years, I just did my thing, still loving but never expecting to be loved… and really I look back and I wasn’t.  But I smiled, hugged often, loved often, made a really happy home.

Until I had a job that took my presence from my family.  It didn’t even pay that well to be so soul sucking.

But all the infidelity started coming in droves.  And then her fear caused a “I must do it first, before he does it to me” type of repeatable vengeance in her.  Which literally became this 9th circle of Hell.

All topped off with physical and emotional abuse in the final years of the marriage. So love, wasn’t felt for years.  I just don’t know how to feel loved.

So here is my problem.  I can’t trust my heart to someone.  I’ve built up in my mind, that I can’t be loved, because they cheat on me and they hurt me.

I tried a couple of times to open my heart, and I’m certain that I’ve sabotaged relationships by making them feel like I don’t like or love them.  I try too hard to make it so someone will not want to love me.  When I get hurt, I just tell women that, “it’s okay” cause I don’t expect anything more.  It’s what I’m used too. and it’s my only mechanism to not hurt their feelings and still allow me to try and get past it.

I literally see all these women who are fantastic,  I honestly believe that most women are these amazing people.  Yet, I always leave it with, “well I’m sure they will love someone, I wonder when I could be loved?”

My heart and mind haven’t synced up.  What I know and what I feel aren’t aligned. And it’s going to make it difficult for someone… I just fear it.

[ I have to fight through my fears... ]

And all of this just tears at my heart.

Oh hey now, really? of all humanity? [ And why the spitting? What did I do? ]

Her:
Me:

And there you have it, the four most open ended characters to exist in our grammatical challenged society. [ Except wordpress converts to smiley's so uh... yeah ]

Back in 1995 I started at a software company that made BBS software.  Before the rise of the Internet, BBS’s was the primary way for people to connect to each other, very much like Facebook, and Twitter is today. [ Man I feel old ]

And it was then that I learned of all the overly used uses of smileys, winks, and all variants that we use now in IM’s, TXT’s and to communicate an emotion without actually communicating it.

Her: Ich hasse dich!
Me: Hey?! Why are spitting at me? And really? [ And AGAIN?! ] what did I do to you?

Her: Nothing, why?
Me: Uh… then why do you hate me?

Her: What do you mean, I didn’t say I hate you?
Me: Well master of the German language try again

Her: Oh….
Me:

Her: Ich liebe dich
Me: Sweeeettttttt!

Her:

The funny thing about communication is that we have to be super careful about what we do.  It doesn’t really matter what we say, it matters only how it’s received.

People believe it’s the person who is listening that is responsible for understanding what we say… that’s not true, it’s our responsibility to tell them in a way they understand.  There is a reason that newspapers write to an 8th grade level.  They are writing to their market.

So in love, we speak, we touch, we act, and for some of us we go out of our way to figure out if it’s being received, and we look at how it’s returned to determine if it worked.

Love doesn’t really work that way, we just believe it does.

For some of us, we become hotly attracted to each other, have sex, get pregnant, and then think love will follow… this is only true, if you can flip a coin. Cause there is nothing there to tell you it’s the case.  You want really good success rate? What has to happen, is first a foundation needs to be in place.

So all I say is, freaking date people [ that's right I said it ].  You know dates, that thing we do to get to know people, so we can determine if we have compatiblities…  first [ ah, crap... that requires patience ].  And that we believe we are going into the same direction.  Then after compatabilities become recognized and we see ourselves in each other, then we fall in love.  And guess what?  When life goes to crap, because of health, finances, or other things we have little control over, what we have is a firm foundation.

You know you see things eye-to-eye.

Of course the only way this works, is if we communicate.  I read a study that it takes 9 months to learn who someone is.  I’m assuming it takes that long because of the sex.  And that it takes that amount of time to recognize the lies that sneak up on you. [ and then we ignore the lies... uh yes... I know you did ]

It’s because the sex was great, the world was bliss and that all the lovin’ that we give will be so awesome that they have to love us. [ sigh... so not true ]

Which is really hard for me, actually.  But I want to make sure that I’m this awesome person [ people tell me this, but really, I just don't know... ] and that when I’m with the right person, that we get to grow old together, and get to share in a life, intimacy and companionship that only is written about in old stories about our parents and grandparents. [ well maybe not the intimacy... ewwww ]

[ Editor's Note ] Scum of humanity? Really? Isn’t that a little harsh? ‘Cause that’s no bueno.

My father was a communication’s major. His career was in talking with people.  Still does it to this day.  His ability to communicate was important in my life, because he could communicate to my mom and they talked all the time.  I never saw my dad argue or get in a fight and we as kids always saw a unified front.  When it came to what my mother said, we never questioned it.  It’s because I knew that I could never play my parents off each other, no matter how hard I tried.

When I got into high school, I started making mistakes, and I would get upset at my parents for “not caring” and that they never got angry at me as parents. [ Oh am I thankful they didn't ] but I could get my mom angry at me, I knew how to push her buttons.  And sometimes I pushed because I wanted to test her, I wanted to see how far I could go before she would decide to stop loving me.  And I portrayed a lot of angst in the home [ Back before emo was cool... ] but outside the home? around my friends? I never really did anything bad. I was never angry, was pretty happy.  I didn’t make big mistakes until I was 19.  But I pretended that I did. All to see how she would respond.

When I was 12 I read a book.  Too this day I can not remember the title, and every so often I will head over to Google and search for it based upon the concepts.  This book was hard for me to read.  It was about a boy who wanted to fly, so he built some wings and he would sit up in a tree.  A bunch of kids showed up and started teasing him. And in the last ditch effort to be free from the pain he felt, he jumped, wings spread out.  Attempting to fly away with these boys mocking him and throwing stones at him.  Unfortunatly, he did not take flight and fell to the ground, bruised, broken and futher tormented, I couldn’t read anymore.  My chest hurt. I couldn’t hold back the tears, and ran upstairs and I just buried my head into my mom and cried, and I couldn’t get past the tears to tell her what happened.  But my mom, she just held me, wrapping her arms around me and waited patiently to learn what caused me all this pain.

So I told her the story.  Filled with tears and sadness, I told her I couldn’t finish the book.  She looks at me, hugs me and tells me, “Travis, you have a sensitive heart.”

This moment, in all the moments of my youth, is burned into my mind, and spirit.  I tend to be very laid back by nature, I don’t like to jump to conclusions and I prefer to study the problem before deciding what to do.  And a lot of that has to do with my mom, who gave me the comfort as a small child and with her patience and desire to listen.  She reminded me that I too, need to have patience and to remind me that I need to have a desire to listen.  It is my only hope, that I can pass on to my children and all that are in my circle of family, a desire for them to want to test me, and attempt to push my buttons, so that I can be tried and tested and come out shining like my mother did.

My mom is one of the greatest women in the world, and by some chance, one that I do not fully understand, 6 children got to be blessed to have her as a mother.  Her love for all of us, is a constant, and can be felt in the words she speaks and how she speaks it, and the hugs she still gives.

To my mom on this glorious Mother’s Day. I love you.

~Travis

As some know, I have rules. And I live by them. The rules are pretty simple, and have done me well.  I’ve realized that it’s probably the only time when my Type-A OCDetic personality actually benefits a relationship. So here are my rules:

Never Lie – Lies breeds secrets, which breeds distrust. Which breeds ruined relationships.  In my marriage, one of the worst moments of my life, was when I was learning of all the affairs.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that there is something worse than being cheated on.  How about being lied to that she cheated on you, to see if you would get jealous.  After I melted down from “all” the affairs, she came and told me that it didn’t really happen. That she lied. Which just dropped me into a deeper dispair.  How could she lie to me like that?  and then before everything crumbled she cycled back around and said she did cheat… So you know what’s worse than being cheated on? Being lied to.  It’s indescribable the pain that kind of lying brings.

Do something every day to show love – This would be anything from just bringing home flowers to coming home and taking over with the kids and making the evening better, to giving your love a deep long hug reminding her your life is nothing without her.  Or… do all the above.

Tell her she is beautiful… often – Now I don’t want you to lie to do this, but look closely at her, she will show you a beauty that you can not even fathom.  Even when she is sick, and looks terrible, it is that moment where you could see this wonderful woman reel in pain over not being able to do the things for her family.  And the desire for her to love you, and love the kids is in and of itself… beautiful.  So not only do you tell her why you were captivated by her beauty… but tell her that she still captivates you. but in so many different ways.

Follow the movie rule – This rule is called the movie rule because that was how it started out.  This rule actually encompasses any social event where someone or something is inappropriate to look upon.  I describe this like this.  There got to a point where I was getting really fed up with a lot of sexual elements in movies, and I always felt like I wasn’t being faithful if my eyes stayed on the screen.  So I switched my attention to her, so that I could remind her that it was her that I found beautiful, and that she had my complete attention.  I do this in theaters, and pretty much anywhere where I could get an eyeful [ Vegas? Oh yes I walked backwards for most of the strip ]

Tell her thank you – Man she does everything, she is a rock star in the home. We teach our kids to say please and thank you’s , and you know what? she deserves it too.  Respect is a great balancer in the relationship.  She has respect and she will respect you.  It’s a win-win!

One thing that I’ve found that woman are very attracted to is… confidence.  Confidence yields it self to love, because we know what love is.  We are confident that it is what we want.  We are confident that there is one person in this world that will get all of our confidence, and we hope that they return it with confidence.  Even if we falter, we know what we want.  And if we actually do it, we can never fail. [ I think there may be just one extra confidence in there... but I'm not sure ]

So the final rule:

Don’t fail – Your probably thinking, right, we all fail. So let me clarify… failing only happens when we give up.  If you try every day, sometimes every hour, to love and do those things that uplift your one and only true love.  You will always win.  I’ve always believed that as men, we can do more for the relationship to have it be successful, more than most men realize.  Once we have the heart of a women, they become fiercely loyal.  And all it takes is for you to continue building that up, and they will take that loyalty to the grave.  That is unless you really do fail… which of course meant that you gave up.

There is a reason why it is mostly women that try and make the relationship work.  And as a man, we can’t overlook that, we have to make sure we are their equals because they are doing their all, we should be doing our all.

Today in the depths of being sick again, I got into an argument.  I have this “friend” who he and I started discussing our views on women, and problems in trying to understand women.

I made this statement “that many marital problems can be linked back primarily to men.” This discussion lead to mine and his view of “neediness.” [ makes you wonder how we got there ]

This is were we got into an small [ okay.. I was fuming ] argument about our understanding of women.

And a lot of my views stems from the desire to try and put myself into this position of why a woman feels she is “needy” [ to me needy is not a negative word ]

I attempted to explain that I saw needy as a deep desire to love and be loved.  And that any woman who felt that way should see it as not being a weakness, but as a strength. [ This was not his view ]

To gain a woman’s love has to be one of the few greatest things this life can provide.  To be adored and loved and return that love, is something that gives me butterflies just thinking about.

But in his eyes, he saw this as a weakness, because men are inclined to never blame the girl, when there is a failed relationship. With his view being that it was the neediness that drove a wedge between them [ take a moment to calm down... I'll wait ]

I was actually getting upset in this conversation, and I know that if I was to give more details, the hate mail may show up in my inbox.

Of course since my view of needy, is really demonstrating a need to be loved, and to love, I don’t see it as a negative word.   But this person felt that it isn’t a credit to them, and that it isn’t a virtue. [ again... I'll wait ]

Neediness can sometimes be defined as a codependency. And really, I think that’s a crappy definition.  I think it’s a terrible word to use for how a women is feeling.  All she is asking for is attention, affection, and acknowledgment, and if this is neediness then in a marriage it is perfectly acceptable, and can create a serious and needed [ see what I did there ] bond between the two.

It just felt like he missed the point.  That need is an innate desire that is not negative.  To need and be needed is a powerful driver in the dimensions of love.   And for anyone to ignore that and say it isn’t a virtue or a credit to them, just flat out feels insulting. After a few moments of pointing out his credentials in the arena of understanding of women, all I could think about was… dude… you don’t get it. Your credentials mean nothing.

To exemplify women is demonstrating your respect for them.  Sure we all have areas that we need to work on and there is a fine balance, but more often than not, I see the women working 10 fold to make everything work, and the man abandoning them, and ignoring the loneliness and abandonment that the women feels.  Which intensifies their need for affection.

Any man who plays around with this very gentle and fragile element to a woman, is just plain evil.

Intentionally ignoring a women’s desire to be needed, is going to create a lot of problems, and the guy will just be a jerk.

[ Of course this is just my view... but I like my view ]

[ Gahh! ]

Healthwise this week has done a number on me. I fought through work this week, and finally couldn’t do it this morning.  I was feeling like crud. And I slept most of the day.  Curling up in a ball and just wishing that the fever would break [ It's sorta broke now ]

Which means the creative juices have not been flowing, and insightful wisdom has been thrown out with the bath water. [ Ewwww who knows what's in that water? ]

Last year, I bought this silver ring. I really like this ring, I’ve worn it on my right ring finger for most of the time, I typically don’t forget about it, but sometimes I do.  This week, I lost my ring.  I couldn’t figure out where I left it [ I must of been really tired ] and then I noticed something.  I was playing with a ring that was on my left hand ring finger. [ What the?! ]

Somewhere in this past week, I had moved the ring over.  And I didn’t think anything of it.  It felt comfortable, nice, and my hand felt good. It felt whole.

This week, I’ve been thinking about wedding rings [ interesting... ].  My last ring I actually left on the dresser the day I left.  It wasn’t mine, I didn’t want it anymore, and it had a nick in it, that could not be repaired.

This nick had a story.  One that I hated telling people, because it reflected the anger in my Ex’s life, and that poor ring was the victim of being chucked down a parking lot.  Because… I opened a building door for another woman [ I was just being a gentleman ] She did feel bad and took it to a jeweler to have it buffed out.  But that nick was always there.  It litterly defined the direction that the marriage was going to go in.  I oftened looked at the nick and associated it with pain.

But yet, I still knew after all that pain, that all was right with marriage.  It’s the only thing in this world that makes people better.   It’s the only time when you see two people forge a bond, that for many becomes unbreakable.  But, we have to choose if we want to make it unbreakable.

The biggest reason why my marriage lasted 15 years, was because I fought to make it unbreakable.  But, unless both sides are in tune with each other, temptation and destructive behaviors will eat at the marriage, and for many in a blaze of suckiness [ the suckiest ] the marriage collapses.

But it doesn’t have too.  If men would just hold fast to their wives, and focus solely on them. Placing protective barriers again’st the most vulnerable parts [ Like a fort... ooohhh a tree fort!! ] the marriage would be protected.

I played with the ring on my left hand for a moment.  I rolled it, and then squeezed my hand so I could feel it against my palm.  And then I gently took it off, put it in my palm for a second feeling the weight of it, and then placed it on to my right hand [ where it is right now ]

[ Hi! my name is Steve ]

So today I had a lot of time to think… [ or throw up ] and after all the “thinking” I realized how badily I missed having someone to care for me [ Yeah I know... it wasn't ever a part of my life ] but that’s what made it hurt more.  I’ve never had it. I’ve never been taken care of, as if they loved me so much, that just to see me in pain made them ache.

I’m assuming that some women would probably tell me that people shouldn’t be forced to be nice, just because I’m sick. [ Which is true ] but I would want them too, because they cared for me deeply.  In the exact same way that I would care for them deeply.  If the one I love is hurting, aching, tired, achy [ have said achy already? ] or even sad, I would go to the far ends of the world to take care of them.

And the kids?  Oh I would be all over that so she could be laying down in peace and quiet [ any maybe a fan? ] and guide and direct the kids to help out while mom was trying to feel better.

Today… I ached for that.  I ached more than any other day I’ve been alone, than I did today.  To take love and adoration, and to put my hands, and heart to good use to make for the perfect home. That would be the greatest day that I could live. [ That is what I can't live with out ]

People believe that sex is a critical piece of the relationship, that the relationship will die without it [ Clearly they've never been truly in love ]… and while it is just as important as all other areas.. just like your senses, you can live without a sense, and still thrive and have the other senses enhanced, because of it.  If you just have that deep belief of love as your core, then everything in life that may be difficult, lost, or changed, will always be perfect… because we didn’t change.

What’s more wonderful, is to be so physically close to the person you love, that you feel the muscles tense up against your stomach, as you felt her heart beat, while your in each other arms.

[ Making the world... become perfect. ]

That alone is more awesome, more amazing, more important to demonstrate to others how much the two of you are in love.

To sneak up behind her in a social setting, whispering in her ear, and telling everyone that you need her attention for a moment.  Walking off for a second, picking her up and whispering, “Have I told you how beautiful you are today?” to which she responds, “You’ve told me everyday my love, but not today” and I would say, “Well my love… you are more beautiful today, than all other days combined.”

Feeling an embrace that feels like your one person, and then returning her back to the social moment she was enjoying, and hopefully making the day, that more perfect.

[ I will pick you up and take you were you want... anywhere you want. ]